The Orgasm Gap

I'm Retiring.

I’ve never heard anyone talk about this. I can’t restrain myself from talking about taboo topics. Someone’s gotta.

Women who sleep with men: do you consider it your responsibility to make them orgasm, if you engage with them sexually? And, your responsibility to manage the mess that results? Or do you feel obligated to? Let me know in the comments.

I feel like this has always been the unspoken assumption.

40 years is quite enough. I am retiring from this job. You can’t afford me.

Obviously, simultaneous orgasm is the ideal, and I’m pretty good at orchestrating this feat, but it isn’t always possible.

If he comes first, most of the time, there is no thought of reciprocation. It’s time for a nap or a sandwich.

I enjoy giving pleasure. I’ll put some effort into it, as long as it’s pleasurable for me, but if it becomes work, he’s on his own. Sorry. I don’t demand or even expect he reciprocate. If this becomes a regular thing, I will train him. Otherwise, he can just hold space for me while I take care of it. I’m really good at it. And I’ll hold space for him while he does the same for himself, if he must. But it will benefit him much more to hold off and do some tantric sublimation exercises.

To be fair, a lot of the time the guy means well, and is holding it in for the sake of my pleasure, so by the time I feel complete, it’s difficult for him to get there. I appreciate that. I’m not saying men are all insensitive.

Our bodies are just not all that compatible. Which is why the natural way is to center women’s pleasure. There is a dating app that centers around this.

But gosh, while this sort of sex scratches a certain itch — no that sounds gross — fills a certain void — I’m getting bored with it.

I’m curious about the alternative. The hilarious comedienne Taylor Tomlinson says:

“When I started dating women, it was the closest I’d come to feeling religious in a long time. My friends would complain about their boyfriends and husbands and I was like, Have you heard the good news?? You don’t have to live like this.”

I laughed for like two minutes straight. Because I have so many hippie-turned-Christian friends who ask if I’ve heard the good news (about Jesus). Cringe. One of them had a company called Goddess Ghee and she’s renamed it Good News Ghee. Ugh.

If I can really manage to switch teams, that would truly be good news. No more hairy backs, UTIs, stained sheets. Hallelujah. I feel gloriously, giddily liberated from this whole damn thing.

No offense guys. I love y’all. But you were right about women all along. We’re cuter, and smell better on most days.

I doubt I’ll have much luck. With Venus in Retrograde, I imagine that just as I was always into gay men, I’ll be into straight women. It’s fine. I don’t have any need or expectation. I can get my needs met from all different people — fascinating conversation with one, cuddles from another, emotional intimacy with another. I can summon a man for sex once in a blue moon, to regulate the hormones. That leaves plenty of time to write my books. No complaints.